Ridiculous Clegg #24483

So in THIS article, Nick Clegg continues his campaign to look like a dick to every single group imaginable – youth, women, and now book fans. I honestly think that he’s hired Keith Lemon to do his PR or something; it’s like he doesn’t want to look good.

 

Nick speaks about his Coetzee addiction in the piece, him being one of Clegg’s ‘favourite writers’. I have read Coetzee, and it’s some of the most boring work in the world – evidently, it is from literature such as this that Clegg has developed his sparkling personality and wit. He states ‘I love that very simple, sparse style – not a single surplus word. It’s almost barren, so beautiful.’ Firstly, let’s make the obvious connection between the barrenness of Clegg’s political convictions and the writing. And also, it is great that Clegg can find beauty in some shitty Australian writing but not in our public libraries, our education system, the environment, in having a public NHS or in same-sex marriage equality. A PR coup, truly well done Clegg.

Clegg goes on to further his political suicide (a process that’s a few years in the making now) by saying, of his own attempt at a novel ‘I wrote about 120 pages. It was shockingly bad and will never see the light of day. But I would still love to write a novel.’ Here’s some sage political advice from a bookseller: don’t. If this ‘novel’ did see the light of day, I’d take great pleasure in live-tweeting the whole thing and then having to rub Fitzgerald all over myself to rid any Clegg that was left on me.

If you’re more of a dick than that guy HOLDING the sign, you’re definitely losing

The first failed novel (I imagine after the next general election, there might be a few more, given his upcoming spare time) was ‘written from the perspective of a man at the end of his life, which is quite an odd thing to do in your early 20s’. Well done you – that is so original you must have been so different to every other twenty year-old thinking of mortality and that. How deep. How indie. You champ.

He proceeds to say ‘I find writing very therapeutic’. I find sorting out our national debt and our failing education system and Britain’s social decline therapeutic but then hey ho everyone’s different.

Clegg likes to finish a day – a ‘good or bad day’ which is ironic considering how bad all days must be if you actually ARE Nick Clegg – by losing himself ‘in a great big novel’. He then proceeds to list books that aren’t novels but then hey-ho this is all some ridiculous PR attempt anyway, and what can we expect from a man who promised to abolish tuition fees in his 2010 manifesto and then was part of a government that tripled them. WHAT CAN WE EXPECT.

Clegg’s seven favourite books chosen for Easy Living’s My Life in Books feature:

  1. Autumn of the Patriarch by Gabriel García Márquez. This is about Caribbean dictators. Clegg is probably using this as some kind of manual.
  2. Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky. One of Nick Clegg’s favourite books is about nihilism. That’s interesting.
  3. Fattypuffs and Thinifers by André Maurois. This is an illustrated book about two feuding Clanger-style groups. Essential reading for those in charge of the UK, I feel.
  4. Gladstone by Roy Jenkins. This man was a Baron and a Labour MP. His book is a biography about a Prime Minister from the 19th Century. Cheers for keeping it fresh and current, Clegg!
  5. The Leopard by Giuseppe Tomasi di Lampedusa. About aristocracy and Marxism, and originally written in Italian. You truly are a man of the people Clegg. All these books are so down-to-earth. Such a balance of the aspirational and the grounded.
  6. The Tiger Who Came to Tea by Judith Kerr. Noone would let you in their house, Clegg. You probably to prise the door open when you get home, whilst your wife stacks tables up against the door and screams ‘THIS WAS A MISTAKE I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE ELSE!’
  7. Two Concepts of Liberty by Isaiah Berlin. Something political. Well done Cleggman. Still pretentious though. Just read ‘1984’ you dork.

No political books for Clegg, he says, oh no no no. He ‘can’t imagine anything worse than doing politics all day then reading about it all night’. Might help you actually be a competent Deputy Prime Minister but w/e. He’s not, he says as if you suggest he’s made of metal, a ’24-hour political obsessive’. I mean, COME ON, who wants their Deputy Prime Minister to be obsessed/knowledgeable about politics WHY WOULD WE EVEN NEED THAT.

He quotes ‘The Tiger Who Came For Tea’ as one of his favourite books, somewhat misunderstanding the entire concept of the piece. But oh no wait that shows he’s all cute and has a family and that! PR wins again! Oh no wait sorry I mistyped, I meant to write ‘If Clegg came for tea at my house I would set my dog on him and tell my little brother to get the water pistols out and hire a water cannon and start a bonfire’.

Oh and once again, the entire ‘getting to know a politician’ article is basically a joke of an attempt to garner good press, and a quite a transparent one at that, because he reads ‘at least a few pages’ of a novel every night. I’ve normally read ‘at least a few pages’ of a novel before 7am every day why don’t you just SHUT UP about things that you don’t need to do and SORT OUT THE COUNTRY. This is like the time Cameron said he liked The Smiths – NO good came of that. NONE at all.

The trouble with Nick Clegg’s PR storm (oh god can you imagine what will come at the GE) is that it’s like that time Lisa Scott-Lee had adult braces. They were functional and there was an aim but they just made her ridiculous and were ultimately futile because she can’t sing or dance. This is Clegg.

To finish, here are some books that Nick probably actually reads at bedtime, when he has to read, rather than do ‘that’ in bed because even his wife finds him abhorrent (some of these titles may or not be edited):

  • DISGRACE – J.M. Coetzee
  • HOW FAR CAN YOU GO WITH BEING A KNOBJOCKEY BEFORE THERE’S A MUTINY? – David Lodge
  • INFINITE TWATTERY – David Foster Wallace
  • (I AM A) YES MAN – Danny Wallace
  • ELEVEN KINDS OF SHIT ECONOMIC AND SOCIAL POLICY – Richard Yates
  • WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NICK’S BAD PR STRATEGIES AND SPINELESSNESS – Lionel Shriver
  • ONE DAY (WE’LL HAVE A GOVERNMENT WITHOUT NICK CLEGG IN) – David Nicholls
  • ENDURING FUCKERY – Ian McEwan
  • ENGLISH PSYCHO – Bret Easton Ellis
  • THE REMAINS OF MY DIGNITY – Kazuo Ishiguro
  • BEING A CUNT – This book doesn’t exist but Clegg’s shitty conviction and poor political outlook must have come from somewhere.
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