Question Time’s pretty good but we always have Owen Fucking Jones and Bloody Baroness Warsi on the panel, along with wet squibs like Will Young and boring know-it-alls like Will Self. So here’s some suggestions as to who we could have on in the next few months – yes, you’ve guessed it, I’m writing a f*cking list.
Some of the following may or may not have appeared on Question Time. For example David Starkey (yes he has) and The Queen (no she hasn’t), to name a couple.
- Kate Middleton Since that whole watched-by-the-world royal wedding, we haven’t really seen Kate properly. Obviously she’s too classy (and royal) for something like Celebrity Big Brother so, for the exposure, let’s get her on here. She can air her views and be patronised by everyone.
- Lady Gaga For obvious reasons this would be absolutely spectacular. I’d like her to wear a hat shaped like Nick Clegg’s entire body which rocks back and forth continuously.
- A Bishop or Archbishop or Anyone from the Catholic Church Let’s see if any of the ‘official Catholics’ can actually defend their homophobic and archaic anti-gay marriage stance, in the face of the actual public, and not just by writing shit articles. Also let’s see if they seriously still have that issue with contraception.
- Kirstie Allsopp She was meant to be on a few weeks back, then she got cut out, and hasn’t been put back on the panel since, despite her Twitter insistence that she will be on. Someone sort this out it’s not just anyone it’s Kirstie Bloody Allsopp!
- Britney Spears We can finally get to the bottom of the question ‘Is Britney Spears just a robot that has replaced the old Britney Spears before ‘the troubles’? and we can ask her about all the stuff she knows about. Like child-rearing and shaving.
- Anyone from the BNP This is always a treat as all parties team up and rip this lot to shreds. I’d like Griffin but really anyone from the party or even one of the ‘BNP Babes’ will do.
- David Tennant Always good to see Tennant on the Beeb and not on those shit Virgin ads.
- Everyone off of Twitter Imagine if, instead of connecting through the hashtag #bbcqt, we all were just in a room together, yelling. It’d be phenomenal. Best QT ever.
- Marina & The Diamonds (or, just Marina) She’s quite opinionated and her Twitter’s funny and I watched an interview where she was pretty emotionally unstable. Perfect.
- Wayne Rooney We haven’t had any conclusive proof for a while of just how thick most premiership footballers are. This is where Wayne comes in. Let’s make Wayne Rooney talk about the Libian conflict.
- David Starkey Remember that time he was on, and he shouted at an audience member? And remember when he was on Newsnight and was really racist? That’s EXACTLY what we need.
- The Actual Queen Rather than being just a mouthpiece for the government, let’s see if the Queen actually has opinions. It is a very special Jubilee year after all! Let’s treat her to being a normal person who can have and share opinions on stuff!
- David Cameron + Nick Clegg + Someone Divisive Now what I’d love is to see the PM and Deputy PM slogging it out on a public platform. Let’s get them both on QT, give them a touchy issue like the computer privacy conflict, and get someone good like Russell Brand or Jeremy Kyle to rile them both up at each other. Things like ‘he said your mum’s a whore’ etc etc.
And there you have it – a few tips on what Question Time should be doing. Less Owen Jones, more Britney Spears. Thank you and goodnight. And if Dimblebot should ever begin to malfunction:
- Dermot O’Leary Now on the X Factor he has to be impartial and keep pressing people for answers (‘Kelly, you NEED to make a decision NOW’) so this could work. And he works a mean cardigan.
- Simon Amstell He made Buzzcocks good – he’d be cracking jokes left, right and centre, making Britney Spears cry and then he’d leave unexpectedly, like with Buzzcocks. He also can work a mean cardigan.
- Lisa Kudrow We haven’t seen her in a while, she’s kooky as a bat and let’s be honest she’s everyones favourite Friend.
- Not Jo Brand Quite literally anyone except Jo Brand could do the job. Don’t let her near the show or we’ll end up with ‘Have I Got News For You’ and before we know it, Paul Merton will show up.
I look forward to the BBC taking my ideas into consideration.