Michael Gove and the Great GCSE Plot

I’m sorry you have to see this

I’m going to preface this article by saying that I think Michael Gove’s a cunt.  I don’t really use that word in real life or print but he’s driven me to it, because essentially he’s making us live in a weird dystopian nation, where he controls state education like some kind of EVEN MORE DEVIOUS Demon Headmaster. And here’s why.

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Ridiculous Clegg #24483

So in THIS article, Nick Clegg continues his campaign to look like a dick to every single group imaginable – youth, women, and now book fans. I honestly think that he’s hired Keith Lemon to do his PR or something; it’s like he doesn’t want to look good.

 

Nick speaks about his Coetzee addiction in the piece, him being one of Clegg’s ‘favourite writers’. I have read Coetzee, and it’s some of the most boring work in the world – evidently, it is from literature such as this that Clegg has developed his sparkling personality and wit. He states ‘I love that very simple, sparse style – not a single surplus word. It’s almost barren, so beautiful.’ Firstly, let’s make the obvious connection between the barrenness of Clegg’s political convictions and the writing. And also, it is great that Clegg can find beauty in some shitty Australian writing but not in our public libraries, our education system, the environment, in having a public NHS or in same-sex marriage equality. A PR coup, truly well done Clegg. Continue reading

Some things about Radio 1

The Chris Moyles Show and Breakfast Dilemma Chris Moyles is good and so is his team. They’re not young but they’re youthful and fun. Noone currently needs to take over the breakfast show (especially not Greg James) so stop talking about it. This is all. Keep doing what you’re doing Moyles.

Fearne Cotton Cotton has the rare combination of being quite boring but also really sure of how great she is. In as much as she is positive and chirpy and generally welcoming, noone can listen to her for more than ten minutes without smacking themselves over the head with a casserole dish to make it stop. R1 needs to carefully calibrate their rations of indie tracks:Fearne talking about boring non-events during the 10am-1pm show so as not to kill off their target audience. Also Fearne needs to be banned from talking about Celebrity Juice all the time and have a limit on how many times she can mention cake and her boyfriend. We should also stop letting her pick ‘indie tracks’ and give the Live Lounge to someone who is competent.

Scott Mills Mills would pretty much rather be in Ibiza, blasting club tunes to ravers with poppers, but he’s domiciled in the UK and doesn’t mind coming into Radio 1 for a few hours and to be fair he is one of the funniest DJs. Becky, however, makes the show because she’s a Bantersaurus Rex. Chris is funny too but only amounts to about 3/5 of a Becky. This should be the proper drivetime show, and not… Continue reading

People I’d Like To See On Question Time #bbcqt

Question Time’s pretty good but we always have Owen Fucking Jones and Bloody Baroness Warsi on the panel, along with wet squibs like Will Young and boring know-it-alls like Will Self. So here’s some suggestions as to who we could have on in the next few months – yes, you’ve guessed it, I’m writing a f*cking list.

Some of the following may or may not have appeared on Question Time. For example David Starkey (yes he has) and The Queen (no she hasn’t), to name a couple.

  • Kate Middleton Since that whole watched-by-the-world royal  wedding, we haven’t really seen Kate properly. Obviously she’s too classy (and royal) for something like Celebrity Big Brother so, for the exposure, let’s get her on here. She can air her views and be patronised by everyone.
  • Lady Gaga For obvious reasons this would be absolutely spectacular. I’d like her to wear a hat shaped like Nick Clegg’s entire body which rocks back and forth continuously.
  • A Bishop or Archbishop or Anyone from the Catholic Church Let’s see if any of the ‘official Catholics’ can actually defend their homophobic and archaic anti-gay marriage stance, in the face of the actual public, and not just by writing shit articles. Also let’s see if they seriously still have that issue with contraception.
  • Kirstie Allsopp She was meant to be on a few weeks back, then she got cut out, and hasn’t been put back on the panel since, despite her Twitter insistence that she will be on. Someone sort this out it’s not just anyone it’s Kirstie Bloody Allsopp! Continue reading

Why, contrary to their insistence, the Lib Dems are NOT the party of the young people

I got a letter this week. This was hand-delivered by one of the dodgiest-looking people alive. I opened said letter, and it was also from one of the dodgiest people alive: a Lib Dem.

This letter is a ‘dear Young Person’ vote-for-me plea, from my local Lib Dem candidate, for the local elections on the 3rd May. Now for a number of reasons I will not be voting for the Lib Dems on 3rd May, or in fact, at any point during my life. Most of these reasons can be discussed in relation to this shitty letter – which let’s be honest, is an insult to receive as a ‘young person’.

All this letter does is highlight to me exactly how out of touch those in charge of the Lib Dem party actually are with the youth of today. From the topics covered, you’d think we were living in some magical Disney village where the most important things for us were a plentiful supply of glitter and the welfare of a friendly talking squirrel. Let’s take a look at some of the ‘topics’ covered. Continue reading

The Awkwardness of Mens Haircuts

All men dread haircuts. There are very few things men can be asked to do on a Saturday afternoon (at least garden centres are OUR TURF) that provoke such a sense of dread and impending doom. They are uncomfortable, awkward and considerably distressing. Whether it’s the local barbers, a plain old hairdressers, or even if you’re incredibly brave and booked an appointment with a ‘stylist’, nothing is plain-sailing when getting a haircut. Nothing.

Going into a mens’ hairdressers, for the uninitiated or female amongst you, is an odd experience. You have to wait and you get asked ‘who’s next’ and most of the time you’d really like to go ‘oh well it’s me’ when it’s not. You can’t make eye contact even though there are mirrors everywhere, and you could read one of the twenty copies of The Sun that are around but the elbows would be all over the place and really it’s just all very uncomfortable.

Eventually it’s your turn (one last check just to make sure you didn’t come in after a midget or someone you thought was a man’s wife but is actually just another man) and you sit in ‘the chair’. They ask what you want, and even though the most masculine thing would to go ‘just a haircut, love’, we’ve progressed, you know, socially. ‘We’ have created this number system to give a benchmark for hair length everywhere. I’m air-quoting the ‘we’ because this is not the usual, collective ‘we’ meaning ‘me, you and us lot’, but ‘we’ here indicates only the hairdressers You see, we (me, you and us) don’t actually know what these numbers mean. We do our best to understand, and by our best, I mean we all say ‘a number 2 round the back and sides and a bit longer on top’. Continue reading